Have you ever noticed that you behave one way when you're at work and another way with your best friend? One way when you're home with your kids, another with the family and even different when you’re alone with your spouse.
Have you ever noticed that you behave quite differently when you're all by yourself?
How you're behaving is dictated by the role you take on in each environment. If I am in the role of spouse and I believe a spouse should behave a certain way that's how I behave my husband.
That might seem a little simplistic and unrelated to why your hormones are giving you grief, but hang in there with me.
The truth is that you're always acting according to roles and the rules you have given them. And the rules you create for each role often aligns with what you assume others expect from you.
In different circumstances you are in some ways different people.
You also have overarching roles for different periods of your life. When you are in your motherhood years and you have children, you take on the role of mother. When you were young and free living it up during Wild Weekends, you took on role of young adult living carefree. You take on the role you feel is appropriate for each situation.
Let me take you into my life for a moment, so I can explain how the role that you were playing now is either helping or hurting your health situation.
At any point in your life, the role you're assuming is either supporting you or it's not.
For instance, when I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia and had been in quite a lot of pain for a long time, I was really confused and scared. I had no idea what was going on, no one did. I was on a lot of medication, very depressed and life wasn't going the way I had expected it to. During that initial period, I assumed the role of a sick person, a Survivor.
Before my body started to break down on me, I had been a senior NCO in the United States Army and doing a lot of interesting and significant things. When fibromyalgia entered my life, my life became very, very small in a lot of ways. When you have depression you contract into yourself. You don't engage people, life in general, even if you want to you.
I took on the role of a sick person. I identified with my condition and became the person who had fibromyalgia and all the limitations that entailed. I was being a Survivor. I was just trying to get by. I listened to everybody, sought people who could give me any answers. I looked up things on the internet, asked doctors, and I sought answers everywhere – outside of myself.
As a Survivor, I was leaning on everybody else to tell me what to do and nothing worked.
At other times in my life, I played the role of Savior and during those times I took on the world. I thought if I don't do it it's not going to get done. I volunteered to take care of things and I would take on more and more. I found myself going back and forth between Survivor and Savior while I struggled with fibromyalgia.
When I realized that my lack of engagement and being a Survivor was hurting my marriage and my relationship with my children, I started switching my role. I became more Savior, and found myself doing everything for everybody else. I did this, because I felt like I wasn't worth taking care of. I had become a burden on everybody, so I just start taking on more and more.
And I became self-righteous, resentful and real pain in the ass to live with in a lot of ways. Others couldn't do anything right. They couldn't do it right, and they couldn't please me.
And it had nothing to do with them. The real reason why they couldn't was because I needed to prove my worthiness. It had absolutely nothing to do with them. It was all about how I was feeling about myself.
Initially, the shock of fibromyalgia triggered my decent into being a Survivor, and then my guilt threw me into Savior.
Roles Can Rob Your Power
As a Savior or Survivor, I had no power. I really was helpless and hopeless. Everything depended on everybody else. I had absolutely no say with what was going on in my life and that just made everything worse.
In both cases, I was a martyr. As a survivor, I was at the mercy of everyone around me. As a Savior, I didn’t take care of me and felt resentful and unappreciated. In both case, nothing went right.
But what I was going through was not, or didn’t need to be, the truth. It was all in my own head. At first, I was panicked and felt like only others could help me, and then I felt I needed to make up for all those years that I had been worthless.
In both instances, even though they're basically complete opposites, I neglected myself and I gave away my power. Everything I did on the outside reflected what's going on inside my head. And everything that was going on my head thought everything depended on what was going outside of me.
When I stepped back really examined what was going on, and I really took a look at when in my life when things were humming along and when they weren’t – I started to understand how the role I played made a huge difference.
When I was doing really well in my life and life seemed to be going my way, not that it was always easy, but everything seemed to click…my behavior reflected a leader.
That’s the big difference. The role I was playing when things were going really well for me like a well-oiled machine, I took on a leadership role.
For example, when you are a manager of a team or you're the team’s captain of a sports team you have a leadership role. In that role, it’s up to you to know everyone’s strengths and weaknesses, and to know what role and responsibilities they have on the team. And you have allow them to do their job.
If it's a baseball team, each position player has to trust the others. The pitcher has to trust the ability of the infield to catch a grounder for instance. When things are not going well, the leader is responsible for picking the team up, motivation and getting everyone focused on tasks.
But though you rely on them, as the leader it's your responsible for verifying that the people in those positions can do their job.
When I was in the military this was really critical. Everyone had a role, job and responsibilities. If somebody didn't hold their way or wasn’t capable to fulfill their duties, it could mean somebody's life.
Trust, But Verify
When you are in a leadership role, you are taking charge yet not relying on yourself to do everything either. You need to know what your mission, project or goal requires. You need to know your personal strengths, the strengths of your team members and where the weaknesses are. What are the gaps in your knowledge base and what resources are required. And ultimately, the buck stops with you, you as the leader has to verify that everything is going in the direction it needs to go to reach your goal.
Being The Leader Of Your Life
When you take on a leadership role in your own life, you're the person who needs to be able to evaluate what's going on in your world, what's going on in your environments, what’s helping you or hurting you and where you want to go, feel or be. It’s your responsibility to identify what is triggering pain and feelings or actions you want to avoid. It’s also your responsibility to identify what is adding to your health, happiness and success so you cultivate more of that.
No one can do this for you. No one can determine exactly what drains your energy and what brings your energy up, but you.
In your own life you're the only person who can define what health, happiness and success means.
I don't have the material wealth that a lot of people have and yet I would argue I'm a lot happier than a majority of people I speak to every day. That's because my definition of happiness and success doesn't rely on having things or how many zeros are in my bank account.
That’s my definition. For someone else they might not be happy without owning a big boat they can get out on the lake with… We all are different and unique and what we value is never going to match what others value.
As a leader in your life, you’re the one who decides, who define, refines and determines how to align with what you need, want and desire to be healthy, happy and successful.
Build Your Team
Once you have identified those conditions, as a leader it’s time to determine your team. A leader understands, that without a team they are not a leader. You need a team, because we all have gaps in education and experience. We don’t possess all the resources we need. We have strengths, but we also have weaknesses. As a leader in your life, you want to create the team that will fill your needs so you can reach your goals.
Leaders understand that it is a strength, not a weakness to seek out support and assistance from people who are strong in areas they need help in.
When I made the decision to take charge of my life, I went back to school. I sought out experts, expertise, and resources I didn’t have. There wasn’t much out these on fibromyalgia when I first started, but that didn’t matter. My doctors were great at some things, but they weren't well-versed in diets and how certain foods affect the body.
In any case, even if they knew more about food, they couldn’t tell me how different foods would affect me. I had to go to other experts to learn about food and diets, but ultimately it was me to determine what worked for me in my present condition in relation to where I wanted to get to.
Ultimate Decision Maker
I needed evaluate my energy levels and at times that required me to make hard decisions. There were foods, activities and even people I liked that drained my energy, and I had to make the hard choice of me or them.
I had to listen to advice, but always keep myself at the center of my universe while making the final determination.
If you are struggling with hormone chaos, fatigue, depression or just want more in your life – it’s up to you to step up.
No one can step up for you.
If you want to climb a mountain, you have to climb the mountain. Even if you are in a wheelchair and require others to carry you up the mountain, it’s still you who determines you’re going up.
If your hormones are chaotic, your health isn't where you want it to be, you do want to go to the basics, get some testing done and refer to experts. But no matter what comes us or the advice they give, you still are the person who needs to accept it or reject it.
You have to evaluate if it works for you or not.
In my own practice, this is philosophy I’m very serious about. Everyone has to learn how to step into a leadership role and work through basic principles that reinforce this position, every step of the way. I'm very serious about each client learning how to evaluate and understand what it means to them to be healthy and happy.
I have resources, education and experience that they don't have. I can I can provide clarity, focus, direction, strategy and support, but that’s where it stops. I am a resource, but they are the person in charge. I am not an expert on anyone. I don't expect to be. The only person I try to be an expert on is myself. I can’t define health, happiness or success for you.
If this make any sense at all to you, but you don’t know where to begin. I can help you with that. If you want some help, I'm more than happy to provide clarity and direction so you can start to take responsibility for your health and happiness.
Taking on a leadership role may feel overwhelming when you’re considering it without knowing the principles behind it. I understand, because it’s not something you’re taught how to do. But if you know deep down this is what it’s going to take to get what you need, want and desire, I invite you to contact me.
It will take some effort, and it’s not always easy, but it is empowering. And it works for calming hormones, feeling like yourself again, creating a life you love and more.
If anything I said resonates with you and is something you want to explore, I invite you to schedule a Hormone Troubleshooting Session. You can schedule your session, by clicking the button below.
The roles you take on determine much about who you are and how you behave in any given situation. If you currently are not feeling your best, aren’t happy and not successful then look to the role that you are in most of the time. Are you giving up your power, trying to live according to someone’s else ideals or just numb to what’s going on around you?
There are lots of methods and actions you can take, but there are only a few principles that can get you want you need to be healthy, happy and successful. And the first one is, you have to take responsibility and take on a leadership role in your own life.
PS: Why a Hormone Troubleshooting Session when I barely spoke about hormones? Any condition, emotional or physical, that doesn’t feel right to you has a hormone connection. If you are unhappy or in pain for any reason, there is a hormone connection.
When you work with your environments, take charge of your health and happiness – you empower yourself. You make your world safe which supports balanced hormones.
So, I invite you to schedule your session and speak with me. During our time together, we'll see what's possible. I'll help you to define, refine and then align with your definition of health and happiness. I can teach you how to do it, I just can't do it for you.
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